The Outside Castle|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Sunday, August 28th, 2005|
|ride on shooting star
Hey this might be my last post on this site.
I currently started a new blog at 'blogger.com'
My site is; www.skullkids.blogspot.com
My life is now at a turning point and I'm afraid that I made too many bad decisions and now I can't go back.
Whatever happens.. I'll always wish you the best of luck.
Maybe now.. I can finally rest my eyes.
|Saturday, August 27th, 2005|
|I want to scream so fucking loud right now.
"Do you love me?"
"Do you trust me?"
"You'd never do anything to hurt me, right?"
"I try my best to hurt you."
"What does that mean?"
"I'm tired let me sleep."
|Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005|
I am currently choking on the 'everyday'.
Almost done the first set of storyboards to the project, I've already spent more than fourteen hours and I still have two more sections to do.
My body feels heavy, I'm getting tired more frequently.
Playing guitar in between breaks and smoking heavily.
Heard a great band today called; 'International Noise Conspiracy'.
She is leaving on the 8th of September, feeling like shit.
I'm having trouble understanding the issues of 'trust'(more so than usual.)
I think I'm going crazy. I know something is up.. I can feel it in my bones.
Am I paranoid?
You either 'do' or 'don't'.
Another day of the same day.
|Tuesday, August 16th, 2005|
|A moment with mr.suicide king.
Some day when I come home from work she will be gone. The apartment would be empty of all of her things. Every trace of her would be a million miles away. The apartment is a reflection of my life. All the things I own can fit into a box.
The apartment is my life.
I have nothing that is of worth inside.
There is not enough of ‘me’ to fill an apartment.
I know this should tell me something.
I know what this means.
|Monday, August 15th, 2005|
I wrote this a while back. I posted it on a web-forum that didn't take to kindly to it.
Since I have my own little private space I thought I would put it here. It's one of my favorite things I've written.
A FEW DAYS
by: Jack Murakami
A few days into it you start to notice that you can cut lines of colors if you concentrate hard enough.
Your lips become cracked and it accelerates you.
Suddenly the bluest of skies appear and the thought of rushing forth comes to a halt.
Reds and greens like your making a hybrid of calculations.
Wide eyed and placing both hands in the air your falling, like dropping a stack of books when she said that there was things that you could never own.
The brightest sunshine and the clumsy girl next door are the least of the problem now.
Saturated are your thoughts...
A long time ago it could make out an image but now it seems like its as faded as the photos of days when we were children.
|Wednesday, August 10th, 2005|
|the rocking ground
Went camping a couple of days ago. Haven't been camping since I was a little kid.
Found out I reall AM a city person but stuck with it till the end. Hey, at least I know how to start fires really 'well' now.
Work is work and time is passing slowly.
Working on some story boards for this animation project. Apparently an event is going to be held to raise money for the production. The only problem is that im strapped for time. This thing is going to be big I wasn't taking it so serious because the guy in charge seemed so disorganized. I didn't know this was gonna be for real. I have to finish all this by the end of the month.
I hope the pay off is worth the effort.
|Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005|
|Can't trust girls.
always awake. Never dreaming.
twenty two and I'm in the place I wanted to be.
How do get out from 'where I want to be.'
working on a bass line to this song I wrote called 'FAKER'. i'll post the lyrics in a bit.
Who the hell am I talking to?
no ones gonna look at this.
here it is.
It’s the same all the time.
No, I don’t want to go outside.
I’d rather smoke stale cigarettes.
Than look for something I know I’ll never find.
What’s this thing called an identity?
A uniform brought in by society?
When did we strap on the name tags?
We’ll flip them off and start our own Ideology.
And I thought that you should know.
It’s my something I call my own.
These terrible lies always on our minds.
These masks between us I wish you knew.
I guess the sky will always be, will always be blue.
I guess the time will always stand still when I’m thinking of you.
I just want to play this guitar in my hands.
I just want to fake it, fake it anyway I can.
Everyone talks about the future.
And everyone always forgets the past.
So who are you? where are you going?
Is it somewhere you even want to go?
‘layers’ wrapped around our souls.
It’s something we’ll never know.
We’re taking sides because we’re blind.
Of the things that made us whole.
I guess the sky will always be, will always be blue.
I guess the time will always stand still when I’m thing of you.
I just want to play this guitar in my hands.
I just want to fake it the only way I can.
|Friday, July 29th, 2005|
Started to listen to 'A Perfect Circle' and Tori Amos. It's alright I think.. Also that new NIN album is growing on me.
Picking up the pieces and trying to find a store that sells assembled doors. Its been a couple of days since I stopped grinding my teeth and I feel great! (Well in the day time at least.)
Went to go see 'Cuff the Duke' a couple of days ago at soundscape (it was their unofficial CD release party.) They power-folk'ed the shit out of the place. (You heard me!)
Got the new 'FAKE?' album last week and I have to say, I think this is it. Anyone notice the decline since 'Breathe in'?
I'm serious; the constant repetition of lyrics and melodies, kens' little 'freak out-listen to me put a song out thats just so totally wacky and absurd-That I don't even have to really sing-I can just; squeal and dick around because I don't give a shit because I am an artist and the hand that feeds me can put that on the shelf for I know this will sell.' bullshit. Fuck, 'Tomorrow Today' was the height of 'FAKE?'. Ah well whatever.
"Balabala...Yeah...Balabala...Freedom is a sin...Bop bop... Freedom is a sin!" FUCKING C-MON! What the hell, Ken! I admit there are some good songs but no where near as good as the previous albums. Songs like; 'Pulse','Alkaline','Who Follows Who?' and 'Belleza' are the strongest pieces I think.. Even than. Don't get me wrong 'FAKE?' is still one of my favorite bands but christ..Its just not my cup of tea this time around.
|Wednesday, July 20th, 2005|
I admit, i'm really bad at relationships. When I was nineteen I fucked around like the sky was on fire. And than I thought to myself and took a real hard look in the mirror. So I settled down, I even asked a girl to marry me after dating a number of years. But little by little I began to lose that 'spark' (you know, that one where you can carry a conversation for more than five minutes.)
I was comfortable, I liked it. I gladly gave up the things that matter most to a 'twenty-something.' I.E. Drugs, Casual sex, movies that star; David Spade and Chris Farley. You get the point.
But what happens when noone wants to settle with you. Than what? I mean, i'm by no means a perfect guy. I just thought.. I just thought that maybe someone would want what I wanted.
Getting rejected hurt like a mother fucker. But laying it all out on the table than getting the 'big chill' is even worse.
The worst part of this whole ordeal is that I wish I didn't say or do the things I did, because I said it behind closed doors.. I never really mean anything, always so nonchalant. But this time I did and I got burned. That part of me that's 'selfish','vain','awkward','hopeless','d
esperate' and 'cowardly' got out, the something I could call my own. I gave myself and was ripped apart.
Anyways this is getting too dramatic I think I need a T.V. series to go on further with this.
Traveling around town now with this heavy-ass guitar and a pocket full of 'junk'. Wishing I could be sleeping right now.
|Thursday, July 14th, 2005|
Takeshi left for Victoria on monday.
me (vox + guitar) and my friends Pat (lead guitar) and Adam (bass), did a cover of one of Takeshi's songs; Soup.
put it on a CD and gave it to him before he left.
Hope he (Take) finds what he's looking for.
I guess this is goodbye...
|Tuesday, June 28th, 2005|
|Tell me something that'll color me gold..or a really bright yellow,like that ball of fire in the sky
Went to the open jam yesterday.
Before I started, my guitar was grossly out of tune. (funny I tuned it just before I got called on) After getting a lecture from the host of the evening in front of everyone he got fed up waiting for me to tune and did it himself. He was one angry folk singer. I was planning on doing a cover of one of Takeshi's songs called 'Soup' but He called earlier telling me he wasnt going to come. Also that I brought my electric guitar instead and my capo was fucking up the tuning so..
I Did a cover of 'FAKE?'s song 'GAME'. Kind of faultered at first, adjusted my voice to the mike and went on, still a little nervous but did an okay job I think. Second song was a new one called 'Faker', I wrote in new lyrics the day before so I was kind of skeptical. I just let go and kicked ass, it felt really good. I actually got real applauds instead of 'fake' or 'pity' ones (and I know the difference.)
My friend Pat came a little late and did a set, man can he kick out the jams. Unfortunatly because he was running a little late I got my other friend Chris to pretend to be Pat and sign up (When I tried to do it, the host-guy said you have to be there in person). So when Pat actually got on the host got pissed because he was tricked, after his set Pat was told to go see the manager. The manager was furious and started yelling at Pat saying shit like; "You can't do that! You have to be here before hand to play! If you ever want to play here again your gonna have to help open the cafe up at 8 in the morning!" So Pat shrugged and said "Well than I guess I wont play here anymore."
Takeshi came in at the last minute and used Pats guitar. The Host, again, got fed up because his guitar was out of tune and took it upon himself to tune it. He did a couple of songs. He was great.
At the end of the night, 'Free Times Cafe' didn't appreciate a group of young musicians tearing up their fucking parade of folk-singer-thirty-year old-flanel wearing-'I only drink domestic because I refuse to get a job that pays more than the local java house'-ass holes. I realized that night, the last time I played it wasn't because I sucked (sort of...-_-) but because that open jam wasn't my scene. I'm not some thirty year old folk singer re-evaluating my life because it passed me by.
|Thursday, June 23rd, 2005|
Off to work in an hour. The summer days are killing me. Everyone I know is leaving these days, off to better and new things. Gonna be the only one left in this damn city..
What to do?
Should I travel too?
My mind is swimming.
Gonna start recording some new stuff in a week.
Also working on some animation for a flash.
Next week I might go back to that open jam thing.. I dont know.
|Sunday, June 12th, 2005|
SATURDAY (IN POINT FORM!);
-Got up around the afternoon, drank, smoked and played guitar.
-Got a call from Chris (a cool british fellow, I work with.)
-Girlfriend came home from work but had to go to a party.
-Decided to meet with Chris at the 'RED ROOM'.
-Takeshi meets up with us and we decide to go see a band at 'Sneaky Dee's'.
-Went to go see the Japanese punk band; SPUNK. Bought a T-shirt and a CD.
-Went to Takeshi's apartment to pick up his roommate.
-Decided to go to a co-workers house party.
-Takeshi's roommate grows tired and wants to leave, Takeshi takes off too.
-Takeshi calls me up and tells me his wallets missing.
-Got out of the house party at three.
-Went back to Takeshi's house to pick up my bike.
-Got home at five. Eyes fail me.
-Got up around the afternoon, drank, smoked and played guitar...
|Sunday, June 5th, 2005|
I fucking hate my job.
Everyday, every single fucking day.
So I am a barback/bartender at this shit hole dive in the entertainment district.
The reason I got the 'slash' in my occupation is because everytime they hire some air-head, blonde bitch who doesn't even know how to make a rum and coke. I get bumped down. Apparently its extremely hard for a guy to be a bartender, no matter how much training or experience you have.
The turn over rate at my 'hole in the wall' night club is astronomical. People are quitting before they even start. I've been working there now for a year and a half because I have the 'fear' (You know, the fear of not having a job.)
I've quit and got fired from so many places before so one day I say to myself; "Jack, the next job you have your gonna stick to it."
So here I am stuck in this dead-end job scraping by on my wage because the club doesn't make enough business to generate a good tip out.
I'd like to think i'm more of a barback than a bartender when it comes to my train of thought. I fucking hate bartenders, servers or whatever. Bartenders consist of these ass-hole party fucks (mostly girls mind you) who bitch and moan about whatever is under the sky. What gets me is that most of these 'sacks of skin' have rich families or what not and have it pretty well off to begin with. They complain that they only got a hundred dollars on a slow night. Well fuck you, you goddamn half-wit! Bussers and barbacks dont even get a quarter of that and we do all the fucking work.
|Thursday, June 2nd, 2005|
|Monday, May 30th, 2005|
|Black and blue
My girlfriend Elly has been sick for a couple of days now. Bed ridden she relies on my unresponsible ass to help her. I try, but as 'try-hards'go I tend to mess things up.
I took her to the hospital this morning. We couldn't go to a clinic because it was Sunday. When we got there I checked her in and we waited two or more hours for them to call her name. During the wait we saw a number of people coming in with all sorts or injuries. One lady seemed to have been in a bike accident resulting in her breaking her shoulder. Another lady came in with a broken nose (Another bike accident.)
I fell asleep for abit on one of those awkward waiting chairs. When I woke up my neck felt like an L-shaped 'Tetris' block.
So Elly's name was called and she went in. I watched the T.V. in the waiting room to kill time, Christ, they make golf seem like people give a damn about the sport. Elly comes back out and tells me its gonna be a long wait, I tell her that I'm going back to our apartment to get a jacket (Fucking Toronto weather, doesn't know if it wants to be hot or cold these days.)
At home, I clean up the apartment and smoke like a fiend. Times like these I have; 'irrational fits' That are almost unbearable. I was angry and frustrated, I didnt know why though. Felt like popping something..
An hour later I'm back at the hospital armed with my mini-disc player and a book. The same two ladies are still there waiting and bleeding. Four hours later Elly comes out and tells me the doctor didnt really help her. That pissed me off because its like that when I go to the doctors too. You go see doctors because you need some kind of medical assistance and then they turn you away and tell you to go fuck yourself.
I had to go to the hospital once because I busted a few toes falling down some stairs. I waited in 'emergency' for three hours before anyone would take a look at it. And when those fuckers did they tell me to 'buddy tape' my toes together. BUDDY TAPE TO WHAT!? YOU FUCKING DOUCHE! ALL OF MY TOES ARE BROKEN EXCEPT FOR THE BIG TOE! No cast, no splints just goddamn tape. They kick me out and took back the cane I was using to prop myself up. The next couple of months I walked around with a limp. My index toe didnt heal correctly even after I kept trying to see a doctor.
Anyways I take Elly home and her fever went down dramatically, she still has a bit of a rash going on but maybe that'll go away.
She fell asleep and I watched 'The Aviator'. I can see why Leonardo Dicaprio won an award for playing a mentally-crippled twelve year old boy in 'Whats eating Gilbert Grape.'
|Friday, May 27th, 2005|
|Thursday nights used to be about watching the simpsons.
I fucked up. I got off work and I fucked myself up pretty bad
Funny how I had a five day vacation and managed to to do dick all.
Right now, the streets are quiet and Im sitting here typing away at this damned computer struggling to construct sentences together
Talked to a chef named Adam, he plays bass in this awesome band called 'Cathartic'. We talked over drinks and a loud cover band at this shit-hole bar called;'The Under Ground'. Wish I was dead.
This whole week, I give a three out of ten.
Thinking about buying that new 'Jack Johnson' CD.. Dont know.. I feel like Im not being myself.
The new 'Nine Inch Nails' CD is crap.. The album 'downward spiral' got me through highschool.
This however... Maybe I did grow up. Im not that white-washed Japanese kid trying to fit into the art program anymore.
I'm breathing heavy and Ken Lloyd is sounding like Trent Reznor; "My everything,this", "Something I can call my own,that."
I converted a song today, well.. this morning anyway. Its an a acoustic piece called 'Broken Pieces'.. Im doing a punk version of it now. Crazy dont you think? Depending how you play and sing, it can totally change a song and meaning... creepy...
Anyways im drunk and a little too sketched out.
Im afraid im gonna write something personal....so..
|Monday, May 23rd, 2005|
So my first entry, christ, never was good at these kind of things..um.
So I played an open jam 2 weeks ago at this little vintage cafe called: Free Times.
Me and my friend Takeshi decided the week before that we should give it a go since Takeshi was heading to mexico before heading back to Japan in a month or two. It was practically dead in the cafe when we went to watch the open jam last time.
1. Takeshi is this amazing vocalist who sings in both Japanese and English (he taught himself english). His style of music is mostly Folk and Bossanova. He left Japan a year ago just as his band 'Pokara' were about to make it big. Told me he's looking for something but he doesnt know what it is. He once said that he wants to 'cut' out the things he doesnt need in his life and he's been traveling the world ever since. Leaving behind his family, friends, girlfriend and career.
2. I on the other hand I am the opposite of him. I think I need to find out 'who I am' before I can travel. My music style is also different, playing Alternative Rock and Punk. Takeshi has experience, compared to him Im a six-string-nub. I have a hard time playing acoustic and my vocals are limited.
Anyways, through out the week we practiced. In the middle of the week I realized that my vocals werent going to cut it. Its easy to sing when you got distortion on your guitar and a head full of nose-candy. The jam was going to be this laid back, intimate thing. In other words I fucked myself.
I frantically tried to play differently, changing keys, and pitch. I made the mistake of only trying to sing in a high pitch. Should have listened to my girlfriend and Takeshi. So I desperately tried changing my singing at the last minute.
The day of the jam I was a nervous wreck. When we signed up there was already eleven people ahead of us. I told Tak I was going to go before him, Tak was also feeling a little wary, he never played in front of a english audience before. We sat around drinking and doing some last minute revisions. (I wrote new lyrics and chord changes on one of the songs. I really shouldnt have done that.)
The stage was small and the chair I had to sit in was surrounded by wires and two mikes. A spot light weighing down against me, It was hard to see but I could feel all the eyes on me. I settled Takeshi's guitar in my lap as the tech-guy plugged me in and checked the levels. (Brought my own guitar but I decided to use Tak's. His was smaller and had nylon strings,Which made it easier to strum. Plus it could be plugged into the amps.) I played a few strings to test it, hardly any sound came out, the guy said it was at its maximum. I sighed and muttered; "Fuck it." And started to play my first song.
The 5th string went out of tune but I couldnt stop. I leveled my voice and went with it. Since the amps weren't giving off any sound the guitar was giving off a 'twang' making sound almost like a banjo. I finished and quickly tried to retune the guitar. The Tech-guy announced that I was a 'first timer' at the cafe so I was showered with 'pity' soaked applauds. I softly played the guitar, fearing that it would give off that 'twang' sound again. Everything was going great until I started to sing. I got confused and began to sing in my usual punky-high-pitch voice. Nervous out of my head, I started playing faster and giving off that whiney-nasal voice like that ass-hole from LIV. By the end of the song I forgot most of the lyrics and I fucked up the solo badly. Again though, I was surrounded by a euphoria of pity cheers.
Takeshi took the stage and nervously greeted the crowd. From the moment he played the intro to his first song the audience was wrapped around his finger. He blew the audience away. When he got off we packed our things and began to cut through the crowd. A guy stopped us and asked Takeshi to come back next week. A girl stopped me and said; "better luck next time." I smiled politely and took the long walk home.
I listened to to the recording of it and cringed at all the mistakes. Use to think that we're designed to only sing a certain kind of way. Yeah I got discouraged... Whatever. Ride on shooting-fucking-star..